My Immortal: Just Another Commentary
by Dracarys
Summary: Me and my friend Moni do a commentary of the infamous fanfiction "My Immortal" by Tara Gilesbie. Read for a laugh. Rated T because that's how the original story was rated
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone! I know that this has been done like a billion times before, but I wanted to give it a try... **

**Flames welcome!**

**My comments are in Bold, **Regular** is the original story and _Italic Bold_ is one of my best friends, Moni (she'll be helping me with the commentary).  
**

**Moni: Hi, Monica here! We ****don't own the original story (Thank God), Tara Gilesbie (or whatever her real name is) does.**

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Chapter 1

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **So funny… not.** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **WTF you said it!** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! **She helped you… with the… spelling… (headdesk)** Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **U don't sound so "deprezzed"**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **Umm, you do know that dementia is a disease, right? _And why is there a random apostrophe in Darkness? _**and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **Wait a sec! So you were born with long ebony black hair… **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears ** So you have eyes the color of transparent tears? **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **Doubt it **(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) **I would, but this is way too funny LOLz**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **So you are a fan of incest? **. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **Really? Aren't they green and curly?**. I have pale white skin **Hmm, that's weird. Most people have pale dark skin**. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **SCOTLAND! **where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic **Since when is Hot Topic in England? **and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation **But you just said that you have "pale white skin" and... **, black eyeliner and red eye shadow **So u basically look like a "goffik" clown **. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun **That's called sleet… And it's nice to know that u are wearing a corset and a miniskirt in this weather… **, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them _**U are just so rational sometimes… **_.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. **Wait for it… Wait for it… **Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly _**Huh, wait, what! Shyly? WHAT DID U DO TO DRACO? (goes to hunt down Tara)**_.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **Awesome conversation! It was really detailed.**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **Hmm let's see: It's 254 words long and it pretty much describes what Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (don't go through the trouble of remembering it, it randomly changes every few chapters) is wearing. It also features an extremely OOC Draco Malfoy who barely says anything. In two words- IT SUCKS!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey again, whoever found this funny! Thought no one reviewed, me and Moni (Moni: Hi guys!) are still continuing th****e**** commentary. Remember that we're just doing it for the LOLz.**

**Moni: Yeah, we might even do the whole thing!**

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Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta **She did a great job... **! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! _**NO**_

The next day I woke up in my bedroom **Wow, seriously? **_**Hmm, I usually wake up in Wal-Mart.**_** BTW, since when ****are there ****bedrooms**** in Hogwarts? I thought there were dormitories. **. It was snowing and raining again **Of course it is. **. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had **Coffin? Bottle of blood? WTF **. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink _**Hot pink... weren't you a goth?**_velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! **No one cares! Except maybe Raven, but you couldn't have told her this in a PM? **) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes _**Let me get this straight: she woke up, grinned at you, flipped her hair and after all of that she opened her eyes?**_. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **They are both in Slytherin... And all they did was greet each other... **

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" _**Because asking someone „What's up" obviously means you like them... We're all screwed.**_she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. _**Oh right, I forgot that the entrance to the Slytherin common room is right next to the Great Hall.**_

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **And the award for nicest person ever goes to...**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **How... convinient.**

"Hi." he said. _**At least he didn't say it shyly.**_

"Hi." I replied flirtily. _**...You just **__**said**__** shouted that you don't like him and now you're flirting? Right... **_

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked. **Oh. My. God. THE SUSPENSE! THE EMOTIONS!**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. _**I'm not a Good Charlotte fan, but I'm sure that they are a muggle band... **_**And I'm not a HP fangirl, but I know that Hogsmeade is an all-wizarding village. As in, NO muggles. At all.**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **We'd never guess.**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **Are you out of air or something?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi everyone! We just finished reading the first 22 chapters, and I think I lost a huge number of brain cells… Anyway, we'll upload chapter 3 today to celebrate our first review!**

**Moni: Yup! We'd like to thank ****RosalieBrandstetter for reviewing! And BTW, did anyone notice that we added a cover to the commentary?  
**

**Yeah, so here goes chapter 3. Brace yourselves for more of My Immortal.**

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Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! ** Nope. **odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws _**Why do I have a feeling she and her friend Raven were these "goffic ppl"? **_! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **What do you mean by "I don't own dis"? As in, you don't own the story? **

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff **What does "corset stuff" mean? **on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms **On your arms? **. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky **That makes no sense at all! If you wanted to make your hair spiky, why did you bother straightening it? **. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists I read a depressing book _**That will surely cure your depression!**_while I waited for it to stop bleeding _**You mean the book?**_and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway **WTH but you had WHITE foundation on the last two chapters! **. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. _**And where exactly did you get that?**_

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his **Wait for it…** flying car _**Weren't the Weasleys the ones with the (now broken) flying car?**_. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too **Yeah, cuz, u know, they aren't a muggle band or anything either**), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner _**WTF I am so going to kill Tara!**_ (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok! **Since when? **).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **You exclaimed in a depressed voice? How does that work?**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 **Of course it did**) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson **At the same time?**. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs _**I love how you just throw that in like that. **_. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car **You hopped? **_**I'm imagining you with bunny ears right now… **_. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte .

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song **You already said that…**).

"Joel is so fucking hot. **Saying that you find another guy hot, ladies and gentlemen, is the best thing to say to your crush on your first date**" I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. _**Hmm, I wonder why…**_

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **Seriously?**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. _***grabs axe and goes to find **__**the author of this story**__**: Tara Gilesbie a.k.a. **__**XXXbloodyrists666XXX**__*****_

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch. **What did she do to you?**" I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **Blond face? I don't remember Hilary Duff having a beard or anything…**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **It's called butterbear. Have you even read ANY of the books? **and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled **Why can't you walk? **back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into **OMG the suspense! Where? Where! **… the Forbidden Forest! **... You do realize that that is on Hogwarts grounds?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey people! **

**Sorry for making you wait!**

**Moni: Yeah! It wasn't even our fault! Someone blew at a bomb at the city airport (And damaged our internet)! Sadly, there were casualties. And many wounded… Dani's dad said (he works in the police) that it's a terrorist attack against some Israel people…**

**Anywayyy, this is chapter 4. **

**Moni: Yup! Also, we will not take responsibility for any damage caused by My Immortal! Side effects may include: major brain loss, headaches, loss of grammar skills, tons of head-desking and sudden death. That's all! Just remember to read at your own risk.**

**Other than that… Enjoy!**

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Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **So, EBONY's name is ENOBY? That's like saying "Jenny's name is Ginny" **nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! _**You could at least explain what that means! They know each other, as in, they met once on Diagon Alley?**_

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **Driving?**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it** Okay… But wasn't the car flying, like 70 feet above ground? Won't you, I don't know, DIE?**. I walked out of it too, curiously. _**A few seconds ago you were shouting and now you are walking around curiously…**_

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. _**Talk about mood swings…**_

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped. **Wow, the tension!**

Draco leaned in extra-close **Cuz, close just isn't good enough **and I looked into his gothic red _**What exactly is gothic red?**_ eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **Oh, depressing sorrow and evilness always cheers me up too!**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately ** What happened then? You said something happened suddenly just as you started kissing… **. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree _**… **_. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra** REALLY? **. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. _**Wait, did you just say that… *headdesk*… What are you, 8?**_

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. ***headdesk* **We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **Worst. Sex. Scene. Ever. **And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was… **WAIT FOR IT… **…_** WAIT FOR IT… **_….Dumbledore!


	5. Chapter 5

**HEY EVERYONE!**

**We really didn't expect getting so many reviews… Since we have some free time, we'll upload this chapter today! YAY**

**Moni: Yeah! First of all we'd like to thank the anonymous reviewer for the constructive criticism! We're really sorry that u don't find this story funny. BTW it was hilarious hearing that we sound almost like Tara! yeaah fukk oof prepz! **

**Oh, great! Now she's going to be like that all day!**

**Anyway… I also want to thank Miss Edit for being so supportive! **

**Now, ladies and gentlemen, I present you Chapter 5!**

**Moni: and if u flam u r posr wit no life!**

***headdesk***

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Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **And how exactly were we supposed to know that he had a headache? **ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx ! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **Okay, who's the idiot that gave her good "revoiws"? **

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. _**Best. Insult. EVER.**_

I started to cry tears of blood **You should go to a doctor or sumthing… **down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. _**Wait wait wait. Both Ebony/Enoby and OOC Draco are in Slytherin… Why is McGonagall here?**_

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. _**Oh, where does Tara get these insults?**_

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" _***headdesk***_

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **So, in other words, "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" is a valid excuse for having sex on school grounds?**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **Umm, are you seriously planning on sleeping with those clothes? **When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom _**Which is in the girls' dorm… **_, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte _**Oh god, why?**_. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter 6

**Moni: Hey whoever's reading this! Dani's unavailable right now (we just finished this chapter's commentary and she's still laughing like an idiot at Ebony's last comment…), so I'm doing the author's note. Apparently only one person read the last chapter, which is like, really weird… Anyway, here's (the super mega short) chapter 5, ENJOY!**

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Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **But you still updated…**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted _**Whaat? But won't that… oh, forget it! **_my hair with purple. **Just another totally unnecessary description of what Enoby/Ebony is wearing…**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk **Yeww… **, and a glass of red blood **How… healthy. **. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **You were going down his face? WTH **and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore _**Wait, u aren't talking about… **_and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore _**No… It can't be…**_. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent _**But he hasn't even said anything yet! **_. He looked exactly like Joel Madden **Okay, what's with all the super long descriptions every time someone shows up in a chapter? **. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko _**U said it! **_.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **So u aren't mad anymore, just because he's gothic?**

"My name's Harry Potter **No! Not Harry too! **, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **Oh god, kill me now.**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **He… giggled? Of all the words for laughing you could choose, u chose giggled? **

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. _**Why does everyone in Taraland have major mood swings?**_

"Yeah." I roared. **U roared? U roared… *dies of laughter***

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. _**OMG so descriptive! U really captured the moment.**_


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